The Diaries of St. Nicholas of Japan, Entry 15
September 28 and 29, 1879, Moscow
28 сентября 1879. Пятница
September 28, 1879. Friday
Утром отнес к Преосв. Амбросию, в Богоявленский монастырь, прошение в Сов. М. О. [Совет Миссионерского общества] с обязательствомв нем не просить больше. Потом сделал визиты ко всем членам Совета. Андрей Ник. [Николаевич] Ферапонтов, которого нашел в его книжноммагазине, на Никольской, благодушнейший муж; тотчас уверил, что всебудет хорошо, что Аксенова он уломает,— он-де и сам служил казначеемОбщества и знает, что средства найдутся; пошел вместе со мной к Аксенову, на Чижовском Подворье, здесь же, напротив Богоявл. Монастыря;но В. Дм-ча [Василия Дмитриевича] еще не было в его лавке. Отправился по другим членам Совета. Князь Ник. Петр. [Николай Петрович]Мещерский принял любезно, обещал содействие; даже об отношенияхмежду католич. [католичеством], протест, [протестанством] и правосл. [православием] с принципиальной точки зрения судит очень правильно; удивило меня это в аристократе. Алекс. Мих. [Алексей Михайлович]Иванцов-Платонов принял просто, ласково и несколько излишне учтиво. Милый человек; жаль только, что с его большим авторским талантом<. .. > (Вышеозначенное, начиная с половины 25-го ч. , писал в Москве,ночью на 22 октября).
In the morning I visited His Eminence Ambrose, at the Epiphany Monastery, a petition to the Council of the Moscow Missionary Society with an obligation not to ask for more.
Then I made visits to all the members of the Council. Andrey Nik. [Nikolaevich] Ferapontov, whom I found in his bookstore on Nikolskaya Street, was a most benevolent man; he immediately assured me that everything would be fine, that he would persuade Aksenov, he had served as treasurer of the Company himself and knew that funds would be found; he went with me to Aksenov's, on the Chizhovsky Farmstead, here, opposite the Epiphany.
But V. Dm-cha [Vasily Dmitrievich] was not yet in his shop.
I went to the other members of the Council.
Prince Nik. Peter. [Nikolai Petrovich] Meshchersky received me kindly, promised assistance; even about the relationship between me and Cath. [Catholicism], Prot., [Protestantism] and Orthodoxy. He judges [Orthodoxy] very correctly from a principled point of view; this surprised me about the aristocrat.
Alex. Mikh. [Alexey Mikhailovich] Ivantsov-Platonov received him simply, affectionately, and somewhat overly courteously. A nice man; it's just a pity that with his great talent as an author.
(The above, starting at half past the 25th hour, I wrote in Moscow, on the night of October 22). [I would guess ‘the 25th hour’ is 1AM, and I cannot account for the one month difference; there are no notes in the book to explain this, perhaps it is a typo or misprint, easy to do if it was 1AM]
Теперь сажусь продолжать на станции Чудово, на пути в Новгород иЮрьевский монастырь просить 2 тысячи, последние недостающие, таккак Киевский Митрополит, от которого я только что еду, дал 2 тысячи. Запустил дневник, а между тем хотелось обозначать каждый день в кратких чертах, чтобы после — в Японии, когда взгрустнется и захочется вРоссию, при взгляде на дневник останавливалось прихотливое хотение. «Хорошо только там, где нас нет». В Японии хочется в Россию, а вРоссии прожил ли хоть один день, чтобы не хотелось в Японию! Гдесчастье? Нет его на земле; везде, где бы ни быть в данную минуту, полного спокойствия и счастья никогда не испытываешь; всегда стремишьсяк чему-то вперед, жаждешь перемены; а придет перемена, видишь, чтоне того ждалось, и возвращаешься помыслами к прежнему.
Now I'm sitting down to continue at Chudovo station, on my way to Novgorod Yuriev monastery, to ask for 2,000R, the last missing rubles after the Metropolitan of Kiev, from whom I'm just leaving, gave 2,000.
I started working on the diary, but meanwhile I wanted to describe every day in brief terms, so that later in Japan, when I get sad and want to go to Russia, when I look at the diary, my whimsical desire would stop.
"It's only good where we're not."
In Japan, you want to go to Russia, but have you lived in Russia for at least one day that you don't want to go to Japan! Where is happiness? It’s not to be found on earth; wherever you are at the moment, you never experience complete peace and happiness; you always strive for something ahead, you long for a change; and when the change comes, you receive what you expected, and you return to the old ways of thinking.
В России —лучшие из лучших минут, это, конечно, часы, проводимые мною уФ. Н. [Федора Николаевича] Быстрова. Маленький земной рай этомилое семейство. — и нет, кажется. — не видал лучше его на свете. Что замилый юноша этот вечно вдумчивый и серьезный Коля! Весь рой юношеских мечтаний и идеалов мне чудится на его липе. И благоуханноюструею проносится пред воспрянутым духом свое собственное молодоевремя. —всегда — вдаль —вдаль: настоящее американское let go. * идеализированное и облеченное в лучшие, прозрачно тонкие, нежные формы человеческой жизни и деятельности. Чистый, девственный румянецлица, скромный взгляд, наклонность к музыке — все показывает в моеммилом Коле — будущего честного деятеля, идеалами руководящегося. Дай Бог ему!
In Russia, the best of the best times are, of course, the hours I spend with F. N. [Fyodor Nikolaevich] Bystrov. A small earthly paradise is a lovely family. —and no, I don't think so. He's the best man I've ever seen. What a sweet young man this eternally thoughtful and serious Kolya is! The whole swarm of youthful dreams and ideals seems to me on his lime tree. And with a fragrant stream, his own youthful time passes before his uplifted spirit. —Always — Afar—Afar: the real American let go. [unclear] Idealized and clothed in the best, transparently subtle, gentle forms of human life and activity. A pure, virginal blush on his face, a modest look, a penchant for music — everything shows in my sweet Kolya that he is a future honest figure, guided by ideals. God grant him what he desires!
И дай Бог родителям вечно радоваться на него. А милыйигривый Миша, чистенький и красивый, как зайчик, что за прелестноедитя! Судя по взгляду и по физиономии его, из него выйдет еще лучшийюноша, чем Коля. Этот, пожалуй, выйдет в жизни — или несколько слаб,или, наоборот, тяжеловат; Миша же — веселый, живой и быстрый, шуткой и юмором будет скрашивать неровности своей жизни и будет, дастБог, идти твердо и честно к лучшим целям в жизни,— точно так же, кактеперь твердо знает — какой у него урок и честно готовит его,— честноже не утаивает, если по географии двойку получит. Маленькая Людмила —точно хорошенькая куколка; никогда не забудется прелестная картина,достойная кисти даровитого художника, как она — с больными зубами —на коленях и на груди матери успокаивается и минуту спустя опятьобращается в серьезно улыбающегося ангела.
And God grant his parents to be happy with him forever. And sweet, playful Misha, clean and handsome as a bunny, what a lovely child! Judging by his look and physiognomy, he will make an even better young man than Kolya. This one, perhaps, will come out in life — either somewhat weak, or, conversely, a little heavy; Misha is cheerful, lively and fast, he will brighten up the roughness of his life with a joke and humor and will, if God wills, go firmly and honestly towards the best goals in life, just as he now firmly knows which subjects he has trouble in, and prepares for them honestly— he doesn't hide it if he gets a B in geography.
Little Lyudmila is just like a pretty doll; a charming picture worthy of the brush of a gifted artist will never be forgotten, as she calms down on her mother's lap and chest with bad teeth [check] and a minute later turns into a seriously smiling angel.
Ольга Петровна — лучшаяиз матерей, виденных мною на сем свете, и конечно — лучшая из супруг. Да и какая супруга не была бы ангелом при таком муже, как мой неподражаемый по доброте и мягкости и вместе честности и твердости во всемдобром Ф. [Федор] Николаевич! Дай Бог, чтобы многие-многие годыэто семейство было счастливо и для себя, и на счастье и радость всем,кто имеет счастье близко видеть его! И в Японии я буду отдыхать душою,переносясь мысленно в этот маленький рай земной — на 3-м этаже Михайловского замка! Но все это к слову, а главное-то — относительно моейнепоседливой и бесприютной души — расцветаю я душою и согреваюсьв этом милом семействе,— но что и в нем наполняет меня? Та же вечная мысль об Японии и Миссии!
Olga Petrovna is the best of the mothers I have seen in this world, and of course the best of the spouses. And what wife would not be an angel with such a husband as my inimitable F. in kindness and gentleness, and at the same time honesty and firmness in everything. [Fedor] Nikolayevich!
God grant that this family may be happy for many, many years, both for themselves and for the happiness and joy of all who are lucky enough to see him closely! And in Japan, I will rest my soul, mentally transferring myself to this little paradise on earth — on the 3rd floor of Mikhailovsky Castle!
But all this is by the way, and most importantly, regarding my restless and homeless soul, I am blossoming with my soul and warming up in this dear family, but what fills me in it? The same eternal thought about Japan and the Mission!
Разогретый и расширенный душевно — я становлюсь лучше относительно Миссии: значит, и тутглавное Миссия — и вечно, и везде — одна Миссия и Япония, и нескрыться мне от них, и не найти другого — лучшего на земле, другогосчастья, кроме Миссии и Японии. Так о чем же я скучал в Японии? Чегоискала душа? Не убежишь от того, что приросло к ней. — и счастье мое наземле, это — одно — хорошее течение дел по Миссии. Оно и правда! Небыл ли я счастлив каждое утро в Японии. — счастливее даже, чем в семействе Ф. Н. [Федора Николаевича]. — возвращаясь с класса Догматики в Катих.[Катихизаторской] школе? Душа тоже согрета и расширена, ихотелось бы говорить и говорить, хотелось бы поразить все зло, всюложь, неправду, католицизм, протестантизм, все, что против Христа!Да. так, пожалуй,— для меня единое истинное счастье на земле! Дай же. Боже, мне поскорее вернуться туда и никогда уже не скучать там и нехотеть в Россию!
Warmed up and expanded mentally — I'm getting better about the Mission: It means that the main Mission is forever, and everywhere there is one Mission and Japan, and I will not hide from them, and I will not find another, better on earth, other happiness, except for the Mission and Japan.
So what do I miss in Japan? What was my soul looking for? I can't run away from my attachment to her — and my happiness on earth, this is one thing — a good course of Mission affairs. [I think this means, ‘if things are going well in the Mission, I’m happy.’ Check]
It's true! Wasn't I happy every morning in Japan — happier even than in the family of F. N. [Fyodor Nikolaevich] — returning from a Dogmatics class in Catech. [catechetical] school?
The soul is also warmed and expanded, and I would like to talk and talk, I would like to strike down all the evil, all lies, untruths, Catholicism, Protestantism, everything that is against Christ! Yes. That's probably the only true happiness on earth for me! Give it to me.
God, I want to get back there as soon as possible, and never get bored there, or want to go to Russia again!
При прочтении этих строк, когда какая досада илитоска станет одолевать в Японии, дай. Боже, всегда успокоиться и отрезвиться от недельной мысли искать счастья — хоть бы во временном отпуске в России. Боже, да какое же это счастье! Напротив, не несчастьели? Дорогой тоска смертная: здесь вот до сих пор мечусь как угорелыйиз угла в угол,— ни покоя, ни отдыха: ласки и любезности — не прелесть,— я наслушался их и в Японии гораздо больше, чем могу слышатьв России: свидание с родными — не особенно манит,— вероятно — увижусь — в два дня наскучит: с друзьями,— так вот и с лучшим когда увижусь —только и речи и мысли об Японии же. Э-эх. именно хорошо там, где наснет!
When reading these lines, when some kind of annoyance or longing begins to prevail in Japan, grant me, God, always to calm down and sober up from the daily thought of seeking happiness, even if only on a temporary vacation in Russia. God, what a blessing that is!
On the contrary, isn't it a misfortune?
Dear mortal anguish: here I am still rushing like mad from corner to corner,— no peace, no rest: caresses and pleasantries are not a charm, — I have heard them in Japan much more than I can hear in Russia: a date with relatives is not particularly inviting,— probably— I will see you in two If I get bored with my friends, then when I see my best friend, I'm just thinking about Japan. Uh-huh. It's good where it goes out! [entire paragraph is unclear]
Правда, быть может, перемена мест и лиц много значит в экономиивозобновления сил, т. е. отдыха. Но в таком случае можно отдыхать и в Японии, заменяя одно место другим и одни лица другими, т. е. путешествуя по Японии — по Церквам, или временно уходя в горы. Пусть же никогда, с этих пор — не заскучаю в Японии по России! Оно, пожалуй,не скучал и до сих пор: но множество пережитых неприятностей, необходимость выветрить из головы кое-какие лица и сцены, нужда материальная, недостаток служебного штата — все это порядочно тянуло из Японии сюда. А здесь, дай, Господи, поскорее кончить дела и уехать вмой мирный уголок! Как все там родственно и мило душе!
In truth, perhaps a change of places and faces means a lot in building up renewed strength, i.e. rest. But in this case, you can also relax in Japan, replacing one place with another and one person with another, i.e. traveling around Japan — visiting churches, or temporarily going to the mountains. May I never miss Russia in Japan from now on!
Ono probably hasn't been bored until now: but the many troubles he went through, the need to get some faces and scenes out of his head, the financial need, the lack of staff - all this was decently drawn from Japan here. [check]
And here, God grant, I'll finish my business as soon as possible and go to my peaceful corner again! How kindred and sweet everything there is to the soul!
И как здесьвсе беспокойно и лишено истинного удовольствия! Устал уже здесь. Воти теперь, 26 октября, пятница,— вечером в 5 с половиной часов остановившись в Чудове, чтобы ждать поезда, который только завтра в 4 часаутра пойдет в Новгород,— какая скука! Весь вечер глазел, как лакеи вокзала готовили все для гостей,— и вдруг — гости — никто ни одного блюдане спросили: пожимая плечами и переглядываясь, лакеи убрали обратнов задние карманы свои белые перчатки и убрали со стола: только буфетчик был в небольшом авантаже,— человек 7 вытянули по рюмке очищенной. Наконец все улеглись спать, кроме ночного дежурного; слышалсятолько шум из зала 3-го класса — где много новгородцев, должно быть,ожидают завтрашнего поезда; я лег было на диван, любезно предложенный прислугой в зале; но, так как спать не хотелось, принужден былвстать и вот теперь пишу сие, под говор — и взаимное угощение служащихпри дороге, поместившихся у буфета.
And how restless and devoid of true pleasure everything is here! I'm tired of being here.
But now, on Friday, October 26, in the evening at 5:30, having stopped in Chudovo to wait for the train that will leave for Novgorod at 4 o'clock tomorrow morning, what a bore!
All evening I watched as the station footmen prepared everything for the guests, and suddenly— the guests— no one asked for a single dish: they were shrugging their shoulders and looking at each other, the footmen put their white gloves in their back pockets and cleared the table: only the steward was in a small tent, and 7 people each pulled out a glass of peeled. [check]
Finally, everyone went to bed, except for the night attendant; I heard only the noise from the 3rd class hall - where many Novgorodians must be waiting for tomorrow's train; I lay down on the sofa, kindly offered by the servants in the hall; but, since I did not want to sleep, I was forced to get up, and now I am writing this, under the guise— and the mutual treats of the employees on the road, who are eating at the buffet.
При всем том нужно, по возможности, восстановить дневник, по дням, припоминая недавно прошедшее. 10 часов вечера 26 окт. спать все не хочется; железнодорожники,выпивая, громко толкуют о своих служебных и всяких других обстоятельствах; съел порцию судака, выпил стакан чаю. Скучно однако. Голова от езды точно деревянная; из Москвы — в понедельник 22 окт. — в 12 споловиной часов; теперь пятница, ночь; в Киеве пробыл с 7-ми часоввечера 23-го окт. до 11-ти 24-го — все прочее время в вагоне: все дорога,вечно дорога! И вся жизнь наша — одна беспрерывная дорога. Скучно!Скоро ль из сей жизни на покой? Часто приходит в голову мысль эта. Быть может — предвестие близкой смерти. Что ж. в тот момент, когда яумру, двое родятся на свет — рождений больше ведь, чем смертей,— очем же думать?
At the same time, it is necessary, if possible, to restore the diary, by day, recalling the recent past. 10 p.m. on October 26. [I can find no explanation for the contradiction in dates here. I double-checked the PDF and it shows that the entry is dated in September. We will need to consult with an expert to explain the discrepancy.]
I still don't feel like sleeping; the railroad workers, while drinking, talk loudly about their official duties and all other circumstances; I ate a portion of pike perch, drank a glass of tea. Boring, though.
My head feels like it's made of wood; from Moscow— on Monday, October 22nd. — at 12:30 p.m.; now it's Friday night; I stayed in Kiev from 7 p.m. on October 23 to 11 a.m. on the 24th — all the other time in the carriage: everything is on the road, forever on the road! And our whole life is one continuous road. Boring!
Will I retire from this life soon? This thought often comes to mind. Perhaps it's a harbinger of impending death. Well, the moment I die, two people will be born — there are more births than deaths, right?
Мысли не стоит: колесо жизни вертится. — мы теперьеще на нем. а завтра, быть может. — под ним, и раздавлены будем. —общий удел всего живущего — материального. Что-то с душой будет?О-ох! Да пусть и ее — гибнет, лишь бы Япония сделалась православною. Надоело писать. Попробую спать. Остановился выше на А. Мих. [Александре Михайловиче] Иванцове. Да, так жаль, что при его большомавторском таланте он несколько ленив писать. «О католичестве третьюкнигу написали ли?» — «Нет, как уяснишь себе предмет, так и скучностанет писать,— вот и теперь — о ересях — продолжать скучно, потомучто предмет для самого себя уяснен». Обещал дать продолжение о католичестве в рукописи. — О. Николай Лавров, сотрудник Алтайской Миссии,прототип и наших сотрудников, принял отечески ласково, обрадовался,стал угощать рябиновкой, пожертвовал иконы.
It's not worth thinking about: the wheel of life is turning — we are currently on it. and tomorrow, maybe — under it, and we will be crushed — the common lot of all living things is material. Is something going to happen to my soul? Oh-oh! Let it perish, too, if only Japan would become Orthodox.
I'm tired of writing. I'll try to sleep.
I stopped above at A. Mih. [[Alexander Mikhailovich] Ivanovo. Yes, it's a pity that with his great talent as an author, he is somewhat lazy to write. "Have you written a third book about Catholicism?"—"No, as soon as you understand the subject, it will become boring to write, and now — about heresies — it is boring to continue, because the subject is clear to yourself." He promised to give a continuation about Catholicism in the manuscript.
Fr. Nikolai Lavrov, an employee of the Altai Mission, the prototype of our staff, received us with fatherly kindness, rejoiced, began to treat rowan trees, donated icons. [check]
Старенек и слабенек уж. Спасенный человек! — Протоиерей Ив. Ник. [Иван Николаевич] Рождественский, тоже старец, обещал и от себя содействие. — Кончив визитык членам Совета, побыл у О. П. Тюляева, но не застал дома; говорят, всеразъезжает по монастырям и ездит, точно Иоанн Калита, с мешкомденег для нищих. — С Ферапонтовым опять зашли к Аксенову, в лавку;порядочно поломался старик, пока обещал, что не станет возражатьпротив ассигновки. — Вечер провели вместе с о. Гавр. [Гавриилом] Сретенским у о. Гавриила Вениаминова, куда едва добрались в темноте чрезбесконечное Девичье поле. Вспоминали про Владыку Иннокентия, ненезабвенного благотворителя и благожелателя Японской Миссии. Угощализакуской; исподтишка я наблюдал за маневрами доброй и кроткойКатер. [Катерины] Ивановны - чтобы не дать Гавриилу Ивановичу напиться; немножко поставила в графин водочки - и ту скоро же унесла;поставила и мадеры, но и ее скоро убрали.
Old and weak already. A saved man! [check]
Archpriest Ivan Nick. [Ivan Nikolaevich] Rozhdestvensky, also an elder, promised assistance from himself.
After finishing my visit to the members of the Council, I stayed with Fr. P. Tyulyaev, but I did not find him at home; they say he always visits monasteries and drives like John Kalita with a bag of money for beggars.
Ferapontov and I went back to Aksenov's shop; the old man broke down a lot, while he promised that he would not object to the appropriation.
We spent the evening together with Fr. Gavr. [[Gabriel].
On Sretensky Island near Fr. Gavriil Veniaminov, where they barely reached in the dark through an endless field of maidens [check, perhaps a type of flower?].
They remembered Vladyka Innocent, an unforgettable benefactor and well-wisher of the Japanese Mission.
They treated me to a snack; surreptitiously, I watched the maneuvers of the kind and gentle Kat. [Katerina]
To prevent Gavriil Ivanovich from getting drunk; she put a little vodka in a decanter, and it was soon taken away; she also put out madeira, but it was soon removed.
29 сентября 1879. Суббота
Положительно, скука и пустота здесь, в России. Встал теперь ночьюс 30 на ЗГе октября, чтобы продолжать дневник; не пишется. Вспомнилсямотив одной песенки Я. Д. [Якова Дмитриевича]. Пахнуло Японией: таммои привязанности, там моя работа: и теперь встал в 3 часа — бессознательно природа будит на дело в Японии, а какое дело здесь? Одно внастоящую минуту — лечь опять и заснуть.
Positively, boredom and emptiness here in Russia. I got up now on the night of October 30th to continue my diary; it is not being written. I remembered the motif of a song by Ya. D. [Yakov Dmitrievich]. It smelled of Japan: my affections are there, my work is there: and now I got up at 3 o'clock — unconsciously nature wakes me up to work in Japan, but what business is there here? One thing right now is to lie down again and go to sleep.
Reflections:
This one hit me right between the eyes:
I started working on the diary, but meanwhile I wanted to describe every day in brief terms, so that later in Japan, when I get sad and want to go to Russia, when I look at the diary, my whimsical desire would stop.
"It's only good where we're not."
In Japan, you want to go to Russia, but have you lived in Russia for at least one day that you don't want to go to Japan! Where is happiness? He is not on earth.; wherever you are at the moment, you never experience complete peace and happiness; you always strive for something ahead, you long for a change; and when the change comes, you see what was expected, and you return to the old thoughts.
Nostalgia for America hit me again when I was sorting through old videos yesterday, first looking for one thing, and then hitting upon an idea for a new video.
I started remembering the good times in America.
Which is a big thing for me. Up until now, my memory has been dominated by only the bad things that happened in America, which were numerous: I received a lot of abuse over the years from a lot of different people, which left deep emotional scars that are finally healing—this due not to therapy, but to the time-tested remedies of the Church (Confession and Communion), frequent prayer and fasting (we’re coming to the end of the Nativity Fast in a week or so), and also to my much healthier habits since coming to Russia. I get more exercise, I eat much healthier (all thanks to my wife Elena, who prepares healthy food for me and lovingly scolds me when I’m thinking about something unhealthy).
I kept a diary in America for several years. I rarely read my old entries, because they’re mostly depressing: I was thinking about little normal things that took place in a then-healthy relationship that later turned bad, or lamenting that I was not in a relationship, and all of the associated trauma with being rendered homeless at age 42. That’s a long story. If you’ve never been homeless, it is a devastating event that takes a really long time to get over. Some people never do.
When I think back on my 46 years in America, I remember a happy childhood, and an adolescence that gradually turned sour as the weight of unconfessed sin began to weigh my soul down. I envy the little children who come to Confession, because if they keep at it, they will never grow old inside, even as their outside gradually ages.
Sin is what ages us. And I had a great weight of sin that I could not get rid of.
Most Protestants will tell you that confessing your sins to God is enough. This is a logical theory, but it is not true. Only Confession to Christ in the presence of a priest actually works. And it works miraculously well. (There are historical reasons why common confession is no longer practiced in the Orthodox Church, but I don’t have time to go into that now.)
There are many habitual sins that I was not able to overcome, deeply-rooted passions that held me captive, until multiple rounds of Confession and Communion, sometimes over the space of several years, finally rooted out the desire towards that sin. Most of our sins, we only sin because we want to, we have a hidden desire inside for that sin that drives us.
For the past year, I have been tormented by the nightmares of America, flashbacks to traumas. Elena would be talking to me, and I’d have to ask her to repeat what she said, because I was reliving old events over and over. This Nativity Fast has been particularly good for me, as I’m finally noticing that these old thoughts no longer control my waking hours.
‘Sounds like you need a therapist.’ I had one. Multiple therapists, in fact, in America. One of them did a PCL-C (civilian PTSD) inventory on me, and when he got my results, he let out an unguarded, ‘Wow, your numbers are really high.’ (That is a bad thing.) He said that my numbers were worse than some soldiers coming back with severe PTSD from battle traumas.
I’ve never seen anyone shot in front of my eyes. I’ve never had a buddy get blown up by a grenade near me. But I’ve had battles of my own. If anyone tells you life in America is all fun and games, or that it is a ‘shining city on a hill’, I will call them a liar to their face. My story proves otherwise.
St. Nikolai’s description of the young men Kolya and Misha struck me.
As an aside, ‘Kolya’ is the diminutive form of ‘Nikolai’, and ‘Mikhael’ (Michael) becomes ‘Misha’. Almost every Russian name has multiple diminutives, and if one does not exist, Russians are certain to find one. Ivan becomes Vanya, Maria becomes Masha, and there are multiple cute/affectionate forms of these. It’s one of the things that delights me about Russian culture, becuase diminutives also play a huge part in Japanese culture, my other favorite culture. How I long to see the land in which you played such an integral part! My dear St. Nikolai, pray to God for us!
What struck me was the purity of these words. Russian culture has never traditionally accepted homosexuality. In the West, where everything is tainted by the satanic spectre of LGBTP, such descriptions, which are common in old literature, even going back to the Old Testament and probably earlier (compare David and Jonathan’s friendship)…such descriptions are used by moderns to ‘prove’, by their twisted logic, that one man giving another praise, is evidence of them being homosexual, and having such feelings towards each other. Or, even worse, being a pedophile. In this case, it’s an older man honestly evaluating the children of a faily he loves dearly.
Freudian psychology and the wholesale departure of the West from anything resembling Christianity or humanity, have caused many, like me, to flee the West. I do not miss living in the United States.
This is an example of the purity of monks. This is how they think: with purity and honesty. How I wish I could lead that life of cleanliness, and to have such a pure heart and mind, even as my temperament necessitates being married. St. Nikolai, pray for me!
While I was looking for a certain video of mine that relates to this topic, I popped voer to YouTube, and the perfect example of this happening now: men praising men, honestly, with purity, came up. Take a look at Keanu Reeves’ genuine, heartfelt reaction to the compliments of Jim Carrey:
You can’t fake such purity. You either have it or you don’t. Nobody accuses Keanu Reeves of being gay when he and Jim praise each other. Nobody accuses Jim Carrey, either. Both have made reputations for themselves. And both have grown some very nice beards, which helps.
Keep the beard, Jim. You can retire to Mount Athos when your acting days are done.
This passage also stuck out to me:
God grant that this family may be happy for many, many years, both for themselves and for the happiness and joy of all who are lucky enough to see him closely! And in Japan, I will rest my soul, mentally transferring myself to this little paradise on earth — on the 3rd floor of Mikhailovsky Castle!
But all this is by the way, and most importantly, regarding my restless and homeless soul, I am blossoming with my soul and warming up in this dear family, but what fills me in it? The same eternal thought about Japan and the Mission!
I know how you feel, St. Nikolai. I have been struggling to get to Japan for thirty years. I’m grateful that I was not allowed, in my Protestant years, to bring more Protestant heresies to Japan—Protestantism has been an immensely destructive cultural force there, which weakened it for American debauchery. (St. Nikolai touches on the destructive forces he was seeing it bring in his day already.)
I’m sad to see LGBTP gaining ground there, but once Protestantism and American decadence comes in, worse sexual immorality is not far behind.
God save Japan. St. Nikolai, send missionaries! If anyone can still have some impact there, if there is time left, send missionaries! And have mercy and finally send me! I’ve been waiting on the bench for so long!
I have the same thoughts. Even though there is fruitful work to do here in Russia, and I am enjoying Russia overall (though this probably case of COVID that Elena and I have been fighting off, has been a doozy), I still long for Japan. And I hope that I can go there someday, and finish the translation work there. Taking photographs of these places, old and new, for an illustrated edition of the Diaries, would be a dream.
No, not a dream. That is a life goal.
I laughed at the short last entry. ‘I can’t sleep, my mind wants to work, but it’s impossible to do any work, so I’ll go back to bed.’ Simple and honest.
Then I reflected on how much the world has changed. Then, it would not have been possible to do any work for the Japan mission; he would have to send a letter, which would not be received for several weeks, a month, or longer. So there was much less of today’s perceived need for sleeplessness. There were no devices tht gave off blue light illumination,
Now, with always-on Internet and the lures of social media, work and things that feel like work, can crowd out our healthy sleep hours. ‘Just let me fire off this quick email,’ we tell our spouse at 2AM. And next thing we know, it’s 5AM and we’ve missed out on three hours of sleep, and are set to make everyone around us miserable the next day because we’re so grumpy.