The Diaries of St. Nicholas of Japan, Entry 26
January 1, 1880
Только что пробило 12 часов ночи на 1880 год. Встречаю Новый годв келье Александро-Невской Лавры. Скучно! Не от одиночества. Мог бывстретить Новый год в обществе. К десяти часам вернулся от графов Путятиных; думал было там встретить — скука; к товарищам в семействапойти бы — опять скука, в Лавре к кому-нибудь — еще больше скука.И вот общий тон моей жизни в Петербурге — скука. Или уж я сделалсянегоден ни к чему, что только скука одолевает? Но отчего же. когда —или внезапно двинется дело по Миссии, или большое пожертвованиекто сделает, точно на крыльях весь день летаешь?
It has just struck 12 o'clock in the morning for the year 1880.
I celebrate the New Year in the Alexander Nevsky Lavra's cell.
Boring!
But it’s not a boredom that comes from loneliness.
Now, I could have celebrated the New Year in society. By ten o'clock I returned from the Counts Putyatins'; I thought I would meet them there, but it was boring; I would have gone to my friends in the family, but it was boring again, and I would have been even more bored at the Lavra.
And that's the general tone of my life in St. Petersburg — boredom.
Or have I become unfit for anything that only boredom overcomes?
But why?
When will the Mission suddenly move forward, or will someone suddenly gain steam and inspiration, and make a big donation?
[Translator’s note: The last sentence uses a Russian expression, ‘as if you're flying on wings all day’, which means ‘physical and mental uplift, energy’. I wasn’t able to preserve the expression in the translation. Check]
То обман или это? При скуке думаешь, как бы умереть поскорей, при успехе — рано еще —куда! И везде-то хорошо, где нас нет,— и все то интересно, что предпринято и не доведено до конца. Завтра узнаю, прошло ли дело о 29 695 металлических рублях для Миссии чрез Государственный Совет; если да,радостен будет Новый год, нет — тоска задавит; озлюсь разве на несколько дней, а там опять скучная процедура. Скоро ль же в Японию! Там хотьдело — прямо к делу, не вялое и выжидающее, а живое и жизненное. О. недай Бог заскучать в Японии — нет больше спасения от скуки на земле, покрайней мере, в России всего менее.
Isn’t it true?
When you're bored, you think about how to die as soon as possible, and when you're successful, it's too early to go anywhere!
And everywhere is good where we are not, and everything is interesting that has been undertaken and not completed.
Tomorrow I will find out if the case of 29,695 metal rubles for the Mission has passed through the State Council; if so, the New Year will be joyful, if not, melancholy will overwhelm me; I will be angry for a few days, and then return to the boredom [of looking for money for the Mission].
I'm going to Japan soon! There it was — straight to the point, not sluggish and expectant, but lively and vital.
God forbid you get bored in Japan — there is no escape from boredom on earth anymore, at least in Russia least of all.
1 генваря 1880. Вторник.
8 часов вечера
Скука и тоска целый день. Обедню — позднюю — в десять часов, отслужил на клиросе Лаврского Собора. Служил Преосвященный Варлаам.Певчие превосходно пели символ веры, херувимскую, и притом на память, без нот,— также «Милость мира» и прочее. После обедни зашлиСережа и Катя — племянники, дал пять рублей.
Boredom and longing all day.
I served Divine Liturgy, late, at ten o'clock, in the choir of the Lavra Cathedral. Bishop Varlaam served.
The choristers excellently sang the Symbol of Faith, the Cherubic Hymn, and all of this from memory, without sheet music, as well as "The Mercy of the World" and so on.
After Liturgy, Seryozha and Katya, the nephews, came in and gave me five rubles.
Пообедавши, поехал кграфам Путятиным, отслужил молебен Нового года в комнате болящейОльги Евфимиевны. Звали обедать: сказал: «Если в ГосударственномСовете решено, приду, нет — поеду топить горе в Невской проруби».К Тертию Ивановичу Филиппову, от которого и можно было узнать —решено или нет. Не застал дома. Апатия.
After lunch, I went to Count Putyatin’s and served a New Year's prayer service in Olga Evfimievna's sick room.
They invited me to dinner, but I said: "If it is decided in the State Council, I will come, if not, I will go to drown the mountain in the Nevsky ice hole." [I think this is a reference to this battle by St. Alexander Nevsky, but I am checking[
Then I went to Tertius Ivanovich Filippov, from whom it was possible to find out whether it had been decided or not. I didn't find him at home. Oh well.
Не знал, куда направиться.Поехал к Константину Петровичу Победоносцеву. Не застал тоже иоставил роспись на листе. Дошел до Невского, припомнил Демиса.К нему. Милый старик; тотчас мысль — созвать сочувствующих Миссиина обед, и назначил на воскресенье — 13 числа; поручил мне пригласить Демкина и Быстрова.
I didn't know where else to go.
I went to see Konstantin Petrovich Pobedonostsev. I didn't find him either; he had left a painting out to dry. [check]
I reached Nevsky Prospekt and remembered Demis, then went to him. Dear old man!
The idea immediately occurred to me to summon all the sympathizers to dinner, and he suggested Sunday the 13th; he instructed me to invite Dyomkin and Bystrov.
Провожая,— об опубликовании «что-де самое главное — народу не дать знать, мол, там-то кто, что имеет сказать — приходите».— Милый старец!!! Народ ни аза не смыслит в миссиях, и нужныденьги. Устроим, посмотрим; по крайности, отдохнем душою,— с этимилюдьми только и отдых в России; нравственная поддержка в них именно.
Seeing him off, he said about the event, "the most important thing is not to let the people know what’s going to be said, all you need to say is, ‘there is someone who has something to say - come!"
Dear old man!
The people don't know anything about missions, and the mission needs money.
Let's arrange it, let's see; at least, let's rest our souls— with these people, rest in Russia is all; moral support is in them.
По деликатности, Демиса не стал задерживать, и я чрез пять минутвизита очутился опять на улице, а не знал, куда направиться и что ссобою делать. Вспомнил про Гильтебрандта Якова Аполлоновича, недалеко живущего. Встретили мать Софья Яковлевна и сестра Мария Аполлоновна. Что за милое и доброе семейство и как мне совестно, что ненахожу в себе достаточной полноты деликатности чувства ответить наих искреннее расположение — истинно удивительное.
Out of politeness, Denis did not detain me, and after five minutes of the visit, I found myself back on the street, but I did not know where to go or what to do.
I remembered about Giltebrandt Yakov Apollonovich, who lives nearby.
They were met by Mother Sofya Yakovlevna and Sister Maria Apollonovna.
What a sweet and kind family, and how I am ashamed that I do not find in myself sufficient delicacy of feeling to respond to their sincere affection — truly amazing.
Редкий человек иморяк Яков Аполлонович! — От них — куда? Уверял, что еще нужно делать визиты, а не знал, куда идти. Тоска и скука давили невыносимо. Попути заглянул к П. П. [Павлу Парфёновичу] Заркевичу. Милая гурьбадетей встретила и не дала уйти, хотя хотел, так как П. П. оказался отдыхающим пред вечерней. Разбудили. Мило принял.
A rare man, the sailot Yakov Apollonovich!
"Where from them?" He insisted that I still needed to make visits, but I did not know where to go.
The longing and boredom were unbearable.
Along the way, I looked in at P. P. [Pavel Parfenovich] Zarkevich. A nice group of children were there, and did not let me leave, although I wanted to, since P. P. turned out to be resting before the evening. They woke me up. It was cute.
Славные детки — сын,гимназист, и три дочурки. Удовлетворил томившую жажду стаканомпива, и отправились — он служить вечерню и крестить, я делать визиты,то есть куда глаза глядят. Сел в конку,* доехал до неопределенного места, откуда взял извозчика и приехал к себе. Напился зеленого чаю и прочитал серьезную статью в «Древней и Новой России» о Севастополь-ской войне.
Nice kids — a son, a high school student, and three daughters. I satisfied my thirst with a glass of beer, and we set off— he to serve Vespers and baptize, I to make visits, that is, wherever my eyes look.
I got into a horse-drawn carriage,* I reached the place where he took a cab and came to his place. I drank green tea and read a serious article in Ancient and New Russia about the Sevastopol War.
Приходил певчий — Василий, дискант, поздравить меня стем, что он сегодня именинник. Дал двадцать пять копеек. За стенойстали было порядочно играть на гитаре и петь, да какой-то визгливыйженский голос все испортил, и теперь совсем перестали. Тоска!
The chorister Vasily, treble, came to congratulate me—it is his birthday today. He gave me twenty-five kopecks.
They started playing guitar and singing a lot outside the wall, but some shrill female voice ruined everything, and now they've stopped altogether.
What sadness!
*Конно-железная дорога, которая появилась в Петербурге в 1863 г.- примеч. сост. Указателей.
*The horse-drawn railway, which appeared in St. Petersburg in 1863- note. comp. Pointers.
Table of Contents
Reflections:
God forbid you get bored in Japan — there is no escape from boredom on earth anymore, at least in Russia least of all.
That’s how I feel in Russia. God forbid you get bored here. It’s impossible. Well, no, it is possible—I’ve seen bored Russians before, and without exception it’s always the ones who are cool on the Orthodox faith, or the ones who have likely entertained or embraced hidden sin, who are bored. I haven’t been bored a single day here. In fact, I joke that I might welcome a bit of boredom, it would be a nice change of pace…but no. I cannot stand being bored. When I returned to the United States in December 2023, my heart sunk, because I was returning to the land of boredom, the land where nothing important ever happens, the land of all my failures, the land of depression. I had left my heart in Russia.
And so I sold everything I could sell, and moved. After baptism into Orthodoxy, it was the best decision of my life.
If I had to return to the United States to gather funds for what I am doing in Russia, my heart would sink as low as St. Nicholas’ heart did.
Note that he is talking with Russian society’s elite: princes and princesses, lords and ladies, counts and countesses. And yet his heart was not enchanted by these: they were just ordinary people, and St. Nicholas heart longed for his beloved Japan.
And so my heart is torn: I love living in Russia, but I long for my Japan as well. The only country I don’t long for is the United States. I miss my family, but I do not miss life in the United States.
Everything I see coming from the United States reinforces my decision to move here. A friend called me yesterday to share the news on what was going on with my group of friends there. All the news was bad, all of it. The only hopeful news were a few interesting executive orders from Donald Trump.
Otherwise, it made me believe that spiritual (and, sooner than expected, physical) death and decay are all that awaits anyone who remains behind in the States, and I’m glad I left when I did.
It’s inspiring to see my patron saint getting depressed, but not allowing that feeling to control him—he got up continued to do something about his situation, and God rewarded him with faithful men and women who gave him ideas on how to proceed further.
“I’m going to Japan soon!” How I wish that were me! Pray for me, St. Nikolai! Do not forget your child in the land of Russia!